It's my drug...

I was watching Degrassi: The Next Generation and it actually scared me. This one girl had what seemed like a pretty normal and happy life, but she started taking pictures of herself. She posted these pictures on the internet and this one guy messaged her telling her that she was beautiful. These pictures weren't nudes or anything, but they were pushing the envelope. (Eg. School girl uniform, unbuttoned blouse, etc...) Anyways, she thought nothing of it and then out of nowhere this guy tracks her down and starts telling her how he loves her, etc... He's extremly obsessive and creepy that the girl's little sister has to call the cops. The reason it scared me was because I could relate to it. Whenever I watch things like that or read books about a girl and her internet life, it just gives me the chills. I've always had horrible confidence so I've turned to the internet. I've posted pictures which I probably shouldn't have posted just to have guys tell me that I'm beautiful... It's actually makes me physically sick each time I reflect back on it. Then on the show, the girl's boyfriend said "These guys aren't just looking at your pictures" and it made me cringe. It's horrible what I'm doing, but sometimes it feels like an addiction. I need that validation, anyways. I'm done. Done with this entry. I can't say that I'm done with the pictures just because I'm not going to lie. If I can stop I will, but then again I don't know if it's possible.

Later Days.

OverMyHead.

Over these past few weeks, I've been twisiting the truth quite a lot. Whether it's been about bigger issues like my whereabouts or smaller things like "Secret Santa" denials. I don't know what draws me to lie. It might be some inner selfishness and the fact that "I" should be the onlyone who gets to know the truth OR it could just be an obvious way of saving my ass from repercussions. Anyways, I'm keeping this brief, but I would like to explore the whole concept of lying a lot more in the future.

Only me...

Only I could go to a kids Christmas party and end up with a youth co-ordinator's phone number. Haha. Oh well, I had a good time except for one naggy person, but we'll forget about them. The kids were so cute, especially Princess and Tayshawn - they we're obviously my favourites. Clinton (one of the youth co-ordinators from Braeburn) was hilarious. One second he was ordering his kids around like it was a bootcamp and then the next second he turns to me with a huge smile on his face. What a fun day. If you want pics then just ask me for some of check out my facebook account. I uploaded almost all of them.

Ok I'm done.

Ciao, Jess.

Looking for a little faith...

Every now and then, we all have those low days. At least I know I do. It can be extremely hard to put on a fake smile and continue - you just need to break down and open up. You want to believe that everything is going to be okay, but then again - Shouldn't I be way too young to even believe that. So far, I only have 17 years under my belt and I could have so many more years left. Although with all the bad things in life (heartache, pain, death), you have to believe in all the good things again (success, happiness, love). Life, love and most importantly you're worth believing in.

Many may ask why I wrote this. Well after watching a very sad episode of One Tree Hill, they made me think of how we as individuals are important and that in some cases can greatly affect the lives of others.

Although the main reason I wrote this is so that when I'm going through a ruogh patch I can flip back to this and know that it's all worth it and that once I just take a few deep breaths it'll all be fine.

Are you all talk?

There are a lot of people in my life that are all talk. They talk about doing something crazy, but when it comes time to do it, they back down. Reason? They're not brave enough. The world has had enough of an affect that a lot of the time we question what we do. We wear a certain thing to fit in, we say a certain thing to make people laugh, but is it what we really want to do? A while ago my friend thought this guy was cute, but instead of going to him and doing something about it, she sat back. In hopes to help her with this insecurity I went up to him, told him he was cute and gave him my email. She told me how brave I was, but all it's just me putting myself out there. If you know me you may think that I'm a brave (and sometimes confident) person, but I'm just like everyone else it's just that I put up a facade. Anyways, if anyone is reading this I hope that the next time you say you're going to do something - you do it. It'll help rid your mind of all the "what ifs" and it will actually reduce some stress. So go on and open up. You'll thank yourself for it.

Can you say Smexi?

Ok so you're probably wondering why I have any entry full of men. Well these are obvious the sexiest men I know of. I'm constantly adding to this list, but as you can see my taste is extremely different. The guys here aren't all from one race or even one religion. So enjoy and try not to drool all over the keyboard. Thank you!

When the Saints come marching in...

I'm so happy for our guys. Even though they didn't get to play in the Metro Bowl they put up a hell of a fight. Madz and I went to their two final games and it was nuts. We were so into it and it was just amazing. Football has made my highschool life a lot more enjoyable. Representing for Stick Crew!! Haha! We should get some jerseys,we definately deserve them. I miss the Ref jackets. Haha. Anyways getting a bit off topic. Congratz Saints on working your asses off. Hopefully one day I'll have a son who'll love football as much as me and then I'll get to be one of those crazy football moms. Haha. Ciao.

Why now?

I'm sitting there watching Passions when all of a sudden my cell phone rings. I ignore it and continue watching the oh-so-wonderful show. Then what should happen? It rings again. Ronnie has texted me to check my messages. I listen to my messages and he's telling me how he misses me and I should call him. Why now? I'm finally happy with one guy and out comes Ronnie to ruin the day again? lol. Well, Ronnie's not a bad guy. It's just that he always seems to have bad timing. Anyways, I went to walk my dog so I took my cell phone with me and called him back. We talked and had a pretty cute conversation, but I reminded him that I like Jeff and I wasn't going to do what he did with his girlfriend (date me while still having his what's-her-name-girlfriend). Anyways, Ronnie gave me some advice about Jeff (some which I blew off and some that I actually took under consideration) so I think he knows where my head's at for the moment.

But ya, I've already gone out with Jeff, he's going to meet my mom and my friends so why would I turn around now and try something out with Ronnie? It's not worth it. Jeff has plans and he's worth risking a relationship with Ronnie for.

Starlet.